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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
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|Thursday, September 29th, 2011|
Meaning in life is too hard to sustain.
|Monday, May 9th, 2011|
I'm afraid of become an overqualified, unsustainable, wart on the human race.
This sucking feeling isn't going away too easily. I am worried.
Otherwise, everything is fine.
|Saturday, January 22nd, 2011|
|First week of classes
Things that happened this week:
3 hours on Milton Babbitt
Music = Math course = Awesome
Lady Gaga for 2 hours
Lady Gaga as final paper - being epic quest to know all about pop divas and listen to them all the time, by order of professor
Former camper on American Idol
Have to make final decision regarding summer and then start working on it
recital recital recital - two lessons a week for the next month
Must come in contact with darker, angry side and write 3 speeches this weekend
Want to go to yoga but no time
Roommate comes home sans GF, they broke up
No more car freedom
Work a lot this week to cover for manager
Slight cough and cold this morning
Catching up with people after break
Signed recital date and commitments
Planning to ask Piano players for recital
Submitted abstracts for conferences
Waiting to hear back from other conferences
Got fitted for a tux I really don't want to rent
asked to do a chamber recital in April - yes
asked to be a contemporary vocal group - yes
asked to do something with a dancer - yes, as soon as I come up with it
Started researching semester term paper
saw Philosophy advisor
saw Metropolis for the 3rd time
finished all available homework on Thursday, first day of my weekend - still waiting for other parts to be available
So - yeah, that's my week in a list of events.
|Sunday, March 7th, 2010|
I have no words. Or rather, no energy to find them. Someone told me that I have an emptiness in spite of all my effort - not in a shallow way, more in the way that she was saying I seem unfulfilled. I am. Unfulfilled.
|Sunday, January 10th, 2010|
I think it unhealthy to constantly think one is not as talented as he should be. Or as hard working. Or disciplined. But then try and think that I am those things.
What am I doing with my life?
I think I've always gone to be pretty damn good in everything I like that I encounter. I try. So no one can blame me for not trying. And trying, believe it or not, can get you very far if you have a little bit of drive. But recently I've wanted passion, wanted drive, wanted something to overwhelm. I think, since theoretically switching to dialectic readings, I've started to really change my brain and it's a rough transition. But still, I try. I try. Case in point - anyone who shows me affection I return it. I might be desperate for love, desperate for attention, or just want someone to make out with - or I may also be trying to do my best at being a nice, kind person. The last person I saw I didn't really like, once I figured that out I just stopped talking to him. But did I ever really like him or did I just get a taste of something and then indulge him? I endorse other people's fantasies because I can't connect with my own.
I think that reading Lacan has made me a little bit crazy right now. Which is good. And bad. There's no one here to hold my hand with Lacan. No one to comfort. And frankly, I like philly, but there's not so much of the comforting space here. When I'm alone, I'm alone, and only with a few people can I just lie back and be relaxed. I miss doing nothing with friends because we already have a friendship. I miss feeling that way. And I think that I get there rather quickly. Meh, maybe I just miss people. I miss friends, familiarity, and the comforts of a school/retail schedule.
I was a sloth all weekend. I went to the orchestra, read, practiced, and watched tv. This counts as slothhood to me. I can't tell if that means my standards are high or low.
And there is my problem. I think about what other people think of me too much. Not necessarily what they think of me as a person. But more of what's expected of me. And what society values. What ethics should lead to. What to do with one's life.
I haven't really gotten a hold of what I want out of life. Considering that I'm getting bigger skills and ways of getting what I want - well, I need to figure out what I want. I know a lot of what I do not want. But now is the time to be driven by positives - by goals and loves and hopes and dreams. I don't have a lot of those. I'm a survivor a lot of the time, not a flourisher. I want to do these workshops where you cry and dance in the woods. Where you go and 'let yourself be' - but I'm caught in a whole set of obligations, monetary restrictions, schedules, and intellectual blocks which make the path more daunting than anything.
I'd like to just be able to bike around all day (thus, I need to learn to ride a bike), travel, visit people, read, and play music. Who knows what's going on in my head, really.
Well, on that note, I should be heading home soon form my friend's house. The next week will be busy but good. I have one request. If anyone knows of meditative or creative ways to try and create goals and dreams, let me know. I want to find, a love a hope and some sort of greater passion. I'm meant for so much more, and I feel like I have it in me, but I haven't found it yet.
|Friday, January 1st, 2010|
New outlook and goals.
Let's start off with a ....
|Saturday, December 26th, 2009|
Wow, when I don't have a computer I NEVER go on Livejournal.
That's a lesson.
I'm going to by a laptop soon, if I can get money. First time I'll have a computer since 2008. That's exciting, right?
I miss the internet. But I also like having real itneraction. But real thinsg don't happen at 3am in the morning (well they do, but not much for me) so I'm looking forward to having internet again.
My life is interesting. I work with urban youth. I live in a new city that I'm exploring everyday. I realize that I cannot work an 9-5 job. I love music and want to play more. I am getting some reading done. And I realize that I make a life wherever... but it's hard to make the life you want without love. Because right now, I have myself only and I'm not sure if I love him.
|Tuesday, October 13th, 2009|
Did I ever mention that I'm not a fan of Halloween?
Oh, well I'm not. I don't get into any of it, despite liking the horror genre and general silliness.
I have a bad feeling about this Halloween... and I don't know why. Maybe it's just general negativity, but I think I'm going to hide that day. Hunker down and sleep all day if I can.
Does anyone have some extra room in their house and want a roommate for a couple months?
|Friday, October 9th, 2009|
So, since last entry, most everything has fallen through or not happened yet.
Yeah, I'm not so happy. I'm downright depressed now. And to top it off, I went and saw two people I probably shouldn't have seen.
FML. FML. Really.
Things could be worse. But let's count the things that suck while they are still around, don't we?
Ugh, anyway, I'm hoping things get better. I have to find some way to fix this - to create something better. Thusfar, I've only discovered that I will always be alone.
|Friday, September 25th, 2009|
Hey hey - my week has been amazing.
I got a job monday working as an Usher for a university center for performing arts.
I basically got a job tuesday to be a presenter and guide to one of the most amazing art installations ever.
I had a kick ass phone interview on Wednesday.
I got a call back the next day for a second interview at the site I would work at.
I have that interview today and i'm feeling good about it - aside from what the position actually is... ha ha.
I started working soundboard. I haven't done anything yet other than sweep and carry some things, but I've learned a lot about how a show goes up with a professional company.
I went on a date and think the guy is adorable and have good vibes about the whole thing.
And I'm down two pants sizes, apparently, thank you camp.
All in all, a great week. Show goes up tomorrow night, kind of, and then I'm going out with friends. I cannot wait to get an apartment - that is the final step. And then I can finally say I've moved to philly for real real.
|Sunday, September 13th, 2009|
So, an update is in order.
I'm homeless and jobless. Yay! Not. I wish to settle down to start the year - though the thought has occurred that this year is a year of unrest anyway, and I still am alive and with friends and relatively happy. Still, I need roots and to be settled. This week will change all this - I will get a job, I have put my mind to it.
I've felt horridly attached to my friends yet their love and support is the one thing keeping me off the streets. I feel like I'm abusing them, which sucks. Which is also why I want an apartment.
I have attachments - I know this - and one is not getting back to me. Sigh, I'm worried for him even though he said not to have people worry about him. I'm also kind of pissed at him for disappearing and some of his actions. This is uncomfortable for me, but I also don't want to spaz out on him.
Speaking of which, I have decided on the quiet mode of life for awhile - or rather, my cycle seems to be there too. In my head a lot, I tend not to say a lot of things just because I am weighing the consequences.
In other news, I've started flirting with someone online - and yes, we plan on meeting sometime. It's going 'slow' or 'normal' for those other people, but so far it has felt great. I have insecurities about meeting in person, but online we get along famously - which tends to lead to great things in real life. I can't wait to meet him and make out with him - did I say that? Yeah, I have some pent up pressures going on.
So yeah, I go back into the city tomorrow and each day is a new plan and adventure. I have a lot to do tomorrow and don't know where I'm sleeping - here's to a nomad's life and getting rid of it shortly!
|Monday, August 31st, 2009|
I don't know what is going to happen to my life. I suppose this is a good thing. But it is also an opening for pain and lack of foundation.
When laying a new foundation, you must leave the old one. My uncle said a lot about a support network. Here's to hoping my net stays strong.
I should write here more often. I process in journals and haven't kept one in a few months. I need to write more. And get to sleep now.
|Wednesday, August 26th, 2009|
Camp is over. I'm living wild for a year. Or so. Who knows really. Let's hope the abyss doesn't get me. More later when I've reached stability.
|Thursday, August 20th, 2009|
Last day of camp. Say what? Tons to do yet, much at a computer. Oh well.
Oh, I'm not living in Buffalo for the year. I'm living in a box.
|Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009|
Camp this year is too short and too dramatic. But it's great. Just, now I've started crying.
Ugh, so much to say. No words in my stock pile.
|Friday, July 10th, 2009|
Ugh towards one of my campers. I just can't stand him.
In other news, camp is great. I just kind of hate that the one camper I can't stand the most is in my bunk alllllll summer. But it's his last year, horay!
|Monday, June 15th, 2009|
I've been having internal conflict.. that I've projected towards others every once in awhile, though that doesn't mean that I don't actually have some issue with them. But it's about what people want out of life.
I feel like, even as 'radical' as some people can get, that people just want to get married, have kids, and grow old. There's a part of me that likes the idea of that as well, but not a large part at all. And it infuriates me.
It infuriates me that I have to live on the outside. And not that I don't like it, (every life could be better) but it makes me so frustrated that I FEEL like I'm on the outside. That I cannot do certain things. That I am constantly explaining myself.
I'm frustrated with the fact that I'm setting my life up as an academic and an artist - which means I'll be yelling at people my whole life - while others live in ignorant bliss of the American Dream. They do not have to do the work I have to do because something grants them the status quo, the comfort, the padding.
Fuck them. Really. And part of this is because I am single. Couples are major culprits of this mentality. Once you are dating, it seems the world's issues melt away. And you grow a family. And you settle down... physically and politically. And then you become less of a political agent and you fade away.
Academia has its own host of shit. Laced and shrouded in ivory tower pathologies, academics see what they do as worth something. I've thought it do, don't get me wrong. But really - we're a huge, self serving beast. But I guess the idea is that you feel better, you think better, and hopefully are more moral and human at the end of it- thus protecting life, which really should be the thing that matters to everyone.
Anyway, this was a lot of venom I needed to spill. I sometimes remember that I hate couples, gay people, capitalism, consumerism, democracy, politics, religion, academia, theory, and language. Fuck them all with a double sided steel wool dildo until they ask for more.
|Sunday, June 14th, 2009|
It's a quiet night. I've been having the strangest sleep cycle this weekend - as in I stay up all night and survive on one or two naps. But it's really quiet tonight and I can't play music because other people are in the apartment. Alas, I may sleep normally.
I teach two more classes this week. Then I have to grade their final projects and I'm done with my first official class. Yay! It's been a learning experience but a lot of fun. Yay for learning how to teach before teaching!
I'm going to NYC Thurs-Sat. It shall rock. I hope to see a lot of people there.
Camp starts SUNDAY. I'm super pumped.
I wish I had money. Fun story - my retail job got switched to biweekly pay because the company got sold. I started teaching a class May 18. I don't get paid until June 24 for it. THE SUCK. Why? My hours got slashed at work... and it's minimum wage. Ugh no money til June 24.
Which is my 25th birthday. Makes me feel a tad old. I shall party that night, for sure.
|Saturday, May 16th, 2009|
I don't know what to think. I got some email today about someone wanting to read a paper I presented... and kind of proposing that I either turn it into a book chapter or part of an edited volume somewhere. The person who emailed me is the musical theater editor to a publishing company. I'm very confused. But happy.
What the hell?
PS. I'm teaching a course this summer on music theater. When did I get final word I was teaching? Thursday. When do I start. Tuesday. Yay for syllabus planning ahead of time!
|Saturday, May 9th, 2009|
I realized last night that I've never had a sexual relationship, or relationship in general, with anyone I really think I could date. The only 'exception' being my first relationship, but even now, I know that was young feelings.
And I have young feelings. Goddamn, you even touch me and I'm freaking out and thinking about you for days.
I can't figure out why. Maybe it's my family - I don't have a family and I especially do not have a dad. I never was close with him, he divorced, left, and had another child with another woman with my name. Yeah, that's fucked up and awesome. It doesn't hurt me, but part of me thinks that it left a hole that I cannot/will not look into. So I crave male attention.
Maybe it's because I've identified with a sexuality movement, queer, and feel inadequate unless I am fulfilling the sexual basis of that claim. I mean, where's the fucking in queer theory? For me, there is none! I'm part of masturbation at home inc. Ugh.
Anyway, I am frustrated. I want to be better. Hell, I want to meet a guy and find him interesting and fascinating and want to get caught up in an awesome romance. Too many larpers, role players, losers, computer nerds, and such the like (no offense to those who are interesting) for me - I need a queer activist, a drag queen, a musician, someone who is passionate and expresses it in all the messy ways that passion moves.
On that note, I'm going to go read a book about the signification of male ejaculate in the blustery day that is today.